i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
