we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
