I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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