If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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