So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
organizing the empties. That sober.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
