the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
