I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
