we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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