all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
