Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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