I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
He felt like a one man threesome
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
