new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
