I just threw up on my dentist
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
