I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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