Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Randomize
