just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Randomize
