Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
