I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
