i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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