my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
thus making me awesome and them whores
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
