he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
