Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Randomize
