everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
