I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
