I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
my liver is dry heaving
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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