Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
