and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
