God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
