well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
