Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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