Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
