Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
