mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
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