I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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