Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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