so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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