dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
