Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Boobs speak an international language.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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