Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
