god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Randomize
