So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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