he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I didn't notice because vodka
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Is her dick bigger than yours?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
