This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
