Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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