who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
