All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
