Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
