Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
