I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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