i already hear my dad disowning me
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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