she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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